The Letters Of Mark Twain, Complete


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H. C. CHRISTIANCY, ESQ.  
DEAR SIR,--As I understand it, the position of the U. S. Government is  
this: If a person be captured on the border with counterfeit bonds  
in his hands--bonds of the N. Y. Central Railway, for instance--the  
procedure in his case shall be as follows:  
1. If the N. Y. C. have not previously filed in the several police  
offices along the border, proof of ownership of the originals of the  
bonds, the government officials must collect a duty on the counterfeits,  
and then let them go ahead and circulate in this country.  
2. But if there is proof already on file, then the N. Y. C. may pay the  
duty and take the counterfeits.  
But in no case will the United States consent to go without its share of  
the swag. It is delicious. The biggest and proudest government on earth  
turned sneak-thief; collecting pennies on stolen property, and pocketing  
them with a greasy and libidinous leer; going into partnership with  
foreign thieves to rob its own children; and when the child escapes the  
foreigner, descending to the abysmal baseness of hanging on and  
robbing the infant all alone by itself! Dear sir, this is not any more  
respectable than for a father to collect toll on the forced prostitution  
of his own daughter; in fact it is the same thing. Upon these terms,  
what is a U. S. custom house but a "fence?" That is all it is: a  
legalized trader in stolen goods.  
696  


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