The Innocents Abroad


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few feelers; they never cast themselves adrift till they have sounded  
every individual and know that he has not traveled. Then they open their  
throttle valves, and how they do brag, and sneer, and swell, and soar,  
and blaspheme the sacred name of Truth! Their central idea, their grand  
aim, is to subjugate you, keep you down, make you feel insignificant and  
humble in the blaze of their cosmopolitan glory! They will not let you  
know anything. They sneer at your most inoffensive suggestions; they  
laugh unfeelingly at your treasured dreams of foreign lands; they brand  
the statements of your traveled aunts and uncles as the stupidest  
absurdities; they deride your most trusted authors and demolish the fair  
images they have set up for your willing worship with the pitiless  
ferocity of the fanatic iconoclast! But still I love the Old Travelers.  
I love them for their witless platitudes, for their supernatural ability  
to bore, for their delightful asinine vanity, for their luxuriant  
fertility of imagination, for their startling, their brilliant, their  
overwhelming mendacity!  
By Lyons and the Saone (where we saw the lady of Lyons and thought little  
of her comeliness), by Villa Franca, Tonnere, venerable Sens, Melun,  
Fontainebleau, and scores of other beautiful cities, we swept, always  
noting the absence of hog-wallows, broken fences, cow lots, unpainted  
houses, and mud, and always noting, as well, the presence of cleanliness,  
grace, taste in adorning and beautifying, even to the disposition of a  
tree or the turning of a hedge, the marvel of roads in perfect repair,  
void of ruts and guiltless of even an inequality of surface--we bowled  
along, hour after hour, that brilliant summer day, and as nightfall  
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