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And this impudence, this falsehood, this bestial sensuality, that I know
so well,' I said to myself.
"
I tried to rise. I could not. My heart was beating so violently that
I could not hold myself upon my legs. 'Yes, I shall die of a rush of
blood. She will kill me. That is what she wants. What is it to her to
kill? But that would be too agreeable to him, and I will not allow him
to have this pleasure.
"Yes, here I am, and there they are. They are laughing, they. . . . Yes,
in spite of the fact that she is no longer in her early youth, he has
not disdained her. At any rate, she is by no means ugly, and above
all, not dangerous to his dear health, to him. Why did I not stifle
her then?' said I to myself, as I remembered that other scene of the
previous week, when I drove her from my study, and broke the furniture.
"And I recalled the state in which I was then. Not only did I recall it,
but I again entered into the same bestial state. And suddenly there came
to me a desire to act, and all reasoning, except such as was necessary
to action, vanished from my brain, and I was in the condition of a
beast, and of a man under the influence of physical excitement pending a
danger, who acts imperturbably, without haste, and yet without losing a
minute, pursuing a definite object.
"
The first thing that I did was to take off my boots, and now, having
only stockings on, I advanced toward the wall, over the sofa, where
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