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person and say he was shamming. Now I understand you. That is what you
want to do.' 'Oh, if you were only dead!' I cried.
"I remember how that terrible phrase frightened me. Never had I thought
that I could utter words so brutal, so frightful, and I was stupefied at
what had just escaped my lips. I fled into my private apartment. I sat
down and began to smoke. I heard her go into the hall and prepare to go
out. I asked her: 'Where are you going? She did not answer. 'Well, may
the devil take you!' said I to myself, going back into my private room,
where I lay down again and began smoking afresh. Thousands of plans of
vengeance, of ways of getting rid of her, and how to arrange this, and
act as if nothing had happened,--all this passed through my head. I
thought of these things, and I smoked, and smoked, and smoked. I thought
of running away, of making my escape, of going to America. I went so far
as to dream how beautiful it would be, after getting rid of her, to love
another woman, entirely different from her. I should be rid of her if
she should die or if I should get a divorce, and I tried to think how
that could be managed. I saw that I was getting confused, but, in order
not to see that I was not thinking rightly, I kept on smoking.
"And the life of the house went on as usual. The children's teacher came
and asked: 'Where is Madame? When will she return?'
"
The servants asked if they should serve the tea. I entered the
dining-room. The children, Lise, the eldest girl, looked at me with
fright, as if to question me, and she did not come. The whole evening
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