The Innocents Abroad


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troubled spirit of the old smooth-bore. Rest and repose be his!  
Such is the story of Abelard and Heloise. Such is the history that  
Lamartine has shed such cataracts of tears over. But that man never  
could come within the influence of a subject in the least pathetic  
without overflowing his banks. He ought to be dammed--or leveed, I  
should more properly say. Such is the history--not as it is usually  
told, but as it is when stripped of the nauseous sentimentality that  
would enshrine for our loving worship a dastardly seducer like Pierre  
Abelard. I have not a word to say against the misused, faithful girl,  
and would not withhold from her grave a single one of those simple  
tributes which blighted youths and maidens offer to her memory, but I am  
sorry enough that I have not time and opportunity to write four or five  
volumes of my opinion of her friend the founder of the Parachute, or the  
Paraclete, or whatever it was.  
The tons of sentiment I have wasted on that unprincipled humbug in my  
ignorance! I shall throttle down my emotions hereafter, about this sort  
of people, until I have read them up and know whether they are entitled  
to any tearful attentions or not. I wish I had my immortelles back, now,  
and that bunch of radishes.  
In Paris we often saw in shop windows the sign "English Spoken Here,"  
just as one sees in the windows at home the sign "Ici on parle  
francaise." We always invaded these places at once--and invariably  
received the information, framed in faultless French, that the clerk who  
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